Do you know what bothers me slightly about writing on a blog?
I forget about it.
Ten years ago, I’d be blogging about everything within the hour of whatever it was that had occurred.
I’ve been trying to forget the past couple of months for awhile. Well, alright, not forget the entire months, but days.
It’s been a really long, rough year and as I look at the calendar, I think to myself, “it’s almost over.” Since January, death has kept his cloak over my heart. Taking one, taking another, sneaking in during morning naps, watching as I weep. Every.single.month someone goes. Such an asshole, death. There have been moments of greatness though, don’t get me wrong about that. True, shining moments that made me forget about all the heartache. Forget about all those giant 100 foot waves that I can never seem to ride over.
Bike rides with friends from out West. Best friends getting engaged. Best friends graduating from college. Trips all over the entire Southeast. Drives to Detroit to see my family. Trips back to New York City to stay up for nearly 72 hours. Group texting with friends that I’ve known my entire life. Finishing knitting projects. Finishing house projects. Starting the 4 year plan. Getting the house ready for that moment when we’re ready to sell it and planning the next phase. Oh yes. The snowball has been made.
But most importantly…
MY SON STARTED HIGH SCHOOL.
Somewhere, on a now defunct blog, there is a post from his first day of Kindergarten. Somewhere, I know I talked about how I’d cry and beg him not to go to high school.
The only crying I’ve done is over waking up at 5:30 in the morning to make sure he gets to school by 6:30 for weight training sessions with his cross country team. That’s right. The boy who hated any type of sports activity found his niche in running long distances in a short amount of time. This mom right here is super proud (as is the entire family and then some).
I cut all my hair off.
Gained 10 lbs.
Lost 10 lbs.
Gained back 5.
Bought a dress that looks like R2D2.
Our dog tore up the couch. Which is now sitting in the garage and reminds me of a frat house I lived at in college.
A spider just crawled down my back. YES. THAT JUST HAPPENED.
I quit my corporate job, worked retail, went back to another corporate job.
My son is probably 6’0″ tall.
I’m going to be in a wedding in October.
I have written nothing, read a little and drawn a bit.
Everyday, I think of Chandler.
Everyday, I think of my Father in Law.
tends to bleed into the next, but it’s always different somehow.
Like yesterday, when I got out of my car at the gas station and a construction worker thrusted his crotch in my direction while air squeezing my tits. Mumbling on about what he’d do to me and whistling. There’s cat calling and then there’s… that. When I got back into my car I felt like crying.
We bought a new desk and finished the office (formerly known as the “chair room” because every sitting chair we owned was in the front office). I’m hoping that the fact that there is an actual desk, that looks out the front window and has a vase of flowers on it will encourage me to write. I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket though.
This entire post is kind of making me sad.
The eye doctor today said I had the nicest eyelashes he’s ever seen and that I probably won’t have glaucoma when I’m older. He did a test where they scanned my eye for high sugar/pre diabetes. My sugar level is medium. Did you know sugar accumulates on your eye? Neither did I. But for $30 you can have your eye doc test your eyes.
The Cure is on the radio and it reminds me of friendships that didn’t quite make it.
It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged- my brain is only working in fragments. The past year I’ve found that I’ve retreated into myself and within my circle of family. I won’t sugar coat anything when I say that I’ve shut people out, but that’s just where I’ve been.
If you’re out there, give me a gentle reminder to write something.