Thirty minutes ago I was getting ready to clean the bathroom when my butt started to tingle.
STAY WITH ME HERE PEOPLE.
So I scratched, thinking my underwear pinched me or something.
But it continued.
Then it started stinging.
And tingling more.
So forth and so on.
I jumped up from the tub and yanked my pants down, trying to get a look at my ass in the mirror. Looked okay. Not as tight as it used to be, yknow. I should probably work on that. Maybe it was a zit or something. A random butt hair sticking in my panties. And don’t try and be all holier than thou with the, “Ew! Butt hair?” You got ’em too, don’t lie.
Pulling my pants back up, I head over to the tub to start cleaning. Yet, my butt really started to hurt. Now I’m panicked. I yank my pants down again and walk over to the long mirror hanging on my husband’s closet door.
There are, no joke, like forty bite marks all over my butt cheeks. A slight panic creeps over me. Which means I literally pull all my clothes off in a ridiculous panic. Then I panic more because the shutters are open and the neighbors might see me. Then I bolt over to close the shutters before I realize my bedroom door is open and OH MY GOD WHAT IF MY TEENAGE SON RUNS UP THE STAIRS AND SEES ME?!
Sprinting over to the door, I slam it shut and continue to scratch at my ass. With my bedroom door secured and the shutters closed, I inspect the damage.
Whatever got into my pants lit me up pretty good. However, if I was a bug and trapped against someone’s ass, I’d do the same thing too.
Rummaging around in the bathroom drawers I was able to locate a bottle of calamine lotion and begin smearing it all over my butt. Frantically. I probably used half a bottle of that stuff. As I pull my panties back up it is then that I realize how swollen my ass is. It’s a snug fit. Even after I upgraded to a larger, “I’m on my period and feel like a bloated whale” type panty.
Currently, I am typing this on my stomach and trying to refrain from Googling what may be happening. Because we all know that a simple search such as a “painful bug bite” may lead to the discovery that you’re allergic to soap or some shit.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go smear the rest of that lotion all over my butt.
You can never be too careful.