Back Dat Ass Up

I knew today was going to be weird.  I just felt it.

First off, my son got up after the second time I asked. SECOND.  You have no idea. Up, dressed and has everything together before 6:15? Ding. What is going on? The ride into school was effortless. I had coffee. I was on time.

Then I saw it in traffic. You tend to pick up on things like this. The way people are driving and how it feels… different.  Cars were going slower than normal. Drivers flipping one another off. Riding others bumpers.  Yet again, I nearly lost the front end of my car because a semi truck decided he probably had enough room to merge (thank God for brakes, right)? Of course, I see all of this shit on a daily basis, but something just felt off about the morning.


Ignoring the weirdness, I got into work and settled in. While sipping my coffee, I became very aware of the fact that I was wearing a white t-shirt.  I knew if a drop didn’t splash on me, I’d somehow wind up dumping the entire mug on my lap.  Neither happened and I sort of shrugged it off.

Around noon though, I had to walk over to the sales department for some paperwork.  On my way back over to my department, I heard another coworker say, “Ooooooh nice panties!” I turned around, slightly stunned. “Do what?” I asked.  She laughed, “Nice pink panties! You have a huge hole in the backside of your jeans by the way.”




My immediate reaction was to reach back and feel.  Yep. Right there, left pocket. There was my bare ass cheek with pink fabric poking out. You gotta be kidding me! I walked all the way across the building and all the way back!!  My heart sank (after my embarrassment subsided). I’ve had these jeans forever.  YEARS. We’ve seen it all. Weight gain, weight loss, concerts (Rush! Soundgarden! Houndmouth!), plane rides, hiking in Maine, summers in Detroit, festivals, knit group, parties, everything.  These jeans are my life.  And there, right there! A HUGE RIP!


I did have a laugh, especially once I got to the bathroom and saw how large the tear was.  I started thinking back, “How could I have let this happen to you Jeans? HOW?!” Then it dawned on me.  I always sit on my right foot at my desk.  Or at a restaurant. Or on the couch. Sometimes when I’m cooking supper, I even prop my right foot on my left thigh.  It’s a thing with me.  Earlier in the morning, I had been sitting on my foot and when I stood up, I did hear a sort of rip sound, but I assumed it was just the buckle of my boot that had caught on my chair (wouldn’t be the first time). Obviously I need to quit assuming.

So as I got back to my desk, with my cardigan wrapped around my waist, I figured I’d just wait out the rest of the day with ripped pants and rocking the 90’s grunge look with my sweater.  Then I sat down and I could just feel my skin exposed.  It was driving me insane.  Executive decision: go to Target. Buy jeans. Feel better.

Ladies, you know how long it takes to buy jeans, right?

I had thirty minutes to do so. Do or die time!

And of course, because I’m super awesome, I did make it happen.  One pair of faded black skinny jeans later and I’m good to go.  If trying on jeans in an allotted amount of time wasn’t stressful enough, I also realized my knee high socks wouldn’t be able to be worn with skinny jeans.  Not only did I have to find and try on pair(s) of jeans, now I had to find a pair of non bulky ankle socks so I could put my damn shoes back on.


Yet, I took it all in stride.  Such is my life.  At least it wasn’t falling down while I was walking or trying to pronounce electricity out loud (I can’t).  In the meantime, I’ve been thinking about what I should do with my old jeans. I’ve heard that jean purses are making a comeback! Maybe a nice cowl? A quilt? Or…

I could just sew up the pocket and go back to wearing them everywhere and living life! Why not, it adds character!


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