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Gulping Down The Feels.

Each morning for the past week, I’ve been late to wake up.  I hear no alarms that have been set, I don’t nudge my husband with the heel of my foot to turn his alarm off, the sun hasn’t marinated enough to be awake when I am either.  When my eyes flutter open, it is with a rush of panic. I am continuously astounded that I am able to wake, shower and dress myself, as well as herd my son into his own morning routine, in less than thirty minutes.

As I drive in the dark, I tell myself today is going to be a great day. Really though, it comes out sounding like an apology.  My mind cannot pick the exact location of where this discontent is coming from and I fiddle with the radio, unimpressed with everything I hear. Sometimes, when I get hung up at a red light, I’ll tap my breast bone, as if it’s a mic.  I tap, just to make sure I’m taking a breath. Maybe I do it out of boredom, I can never tell which though.

Most mornings, my commute is a blur.  There are times where I’m fairly certain it’s just a giant video game being played somewhere else in the galaxy.  The blue Sentra, the Dodge Ram, the HVAC van, the one semi truck hogging the center lane which is fucking up rotation of cars merging in and out. For the better part of ten hours, I am in my own mind. This can be agonizing. It can also be brilliant. My journal is filling up and I’m still pleased with what I’ve been able to accomplish. Even if it feels like I’m picking a scab or dabbing an old wound with alcohol, I feel better knowing that with each word, I’m slowly wiping my soul of slop.

While yanking my phone charger from the wall and grabbing my phone sometime around 6:20, I looked down and saw my cards.  I felt that old familiar nudge, but I really didn’t have a moment to spare. Instead, I waited until I was in the parking lot at work and pulled up one via my phone.  It couldn’t have felt more classless, but the nagging wouldn’t go away. Some mornings the Universe feels like an annoying toddler.  My phone picked my card, not my own hand. Although, if you want to get technical, perhaps it was the Universe was rubbing my shoulders while whispering in my ear that this would be acceptable.

I got the Ace of Wands:

A pure form of energy that has entered your life. Divinity is at hand and can be used to begin a new venture in business. Health. Courage. Simplicity. A new idea that needs planning now. It is time to do something you have always wanted to do in your career. Prospects are good for individual enterprise. Your thoughts and work can be valued now.

A little smile emerged onto my mouth. That discontent and rumbling I had been feeling started to dissolve.  Not a bad card to pull when all you’d rather do is lay in bed with your head under five pillows and wallow in your own sad.

Now is the time to focus on what I know.

Now.

Not later, not next week or even in a month. 

I have to start letting the present in. I have to leave the door cracked so that all the things and ideas I love, can come creeping back into my body.  I’ve been nothing but a shell after I shooed them off.  That’s a tough thing to admit.  That I unknowingly swept up all my fun. Just swooshed it right on off my skin, onto the floor and scooped it into a dustpan. Chucked it into the trash bin and walked away, blank.

I can’t tell you why I did that, but y’know, sometimes you feel like shit and you don’t know why. You’re sad, but don’t know why. You feel a lot of things, but don’t know why.  There’s no sense in trying to figure it out either. 

And with all that, I’ll go.

Merrily, with a smirk and with an unbridled way about me.

After all, I think it’s okay to do that, don’t you?

 

 

 

 

 

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