Look, I love crafts and such as much as anybody else. I paint, I knit, I sew, I come up with hair brained ideas and then make my husband put the pieces together (or clean up the mess). There are at least a dozen websites dedicated to the fuckery of Pinterest wins, fails and simple shakes of the head. I won’t become one of those blogs, because I know that somewhere, you are drunk with your girlfriends, making fun of these crazy crafts. Hell, I’ve done it. As a matter of fact, I have a list that was put together with two of my girlfriends after we polished off a couple bottles of wine. Which reminds me, I hope you like your chicken feet wreath this year Baxter!
This morning I logged on to Pinterest (this has become a disgusting habit of mine by the way) but it makes me laugh when I need it most. Sometimes, after you’ve been nearly side swiped by two semi trucks on the way to work, you just need that laugh. I clicked on the “popular” tab and was immediately bombarded with cute DIY Halloween crafts. STOP. Halloween is suppose to be scary. Not cute. No. No cute Halloween shit. I kept scrolling, scrolling and then, I see it.
The mother load of all DIY crafts you guys.
HOW TO TURN AN OLD TIRE INTO AN OTTOMAN:
Go on and take a minute to drink in that photo. Go on, I’ll wait.
*whistles Jeopardy tune*
WHO THE HELL HAS TIME TO DO THIS?
WHO HAS THE PATIENCE DO TO THIS?!
And yes, that requires all caps. I can’t even. I tried looking for the original craft on the website listed (DumpaDay), but couldn’t locate it. I’m going to check out their site because I just saw a coffee cozy made from an old sock. Sweet.
So after looking at the photos I made a few observations:
1. That’s going to be a really uncomfortable ottoman.
2. Look at how small that bottle of glue is! How many bottles do you think it takes to cover a tire?
3. Where’s the other photo that shows you how to get that sweet pattern in the center?
4. Seeing that tires are often hollow(ish) in the center, did they put a piece of plywood in the center?
5. I want to know the recipe for those shiny hardwood floors.
Do you think this is something that will show up on Buzzfeed anytime soon? Maybe Martha would be willing to give it a shot. Or maybe, I could do it myself, document the process (tears and screaming fits included) and then watch in silent horror as the dog chews off all the rope after completion. Because let’s get real here, if it’s something that looks chewable and delicious, the dog will be on it like your sister dry humping a One Direction poster.
Now, go forth and create people!