Say Hello To Heaven

Listening to:  Temple of the Dog

Sipping on: Consensus Blend by Rev Coffee

This morning I peeked out the top of my bedroom window and noticed the grass was wet.  You know, that whole “morning dew/glistening/wet like the tears of your failure” type thing.  Only, I knew that in a few short weeks that’s going to be frost.  So the dew will be frozen, like your cold stone heart.  I wasn’t expecting it to be as chilly as it was- maybe sixty outside?  Murph turned to look at me as if to say, “What the shit man?”  I know Murph, I know.

Last night I enjoyed an evening all to myself! 

MD spent the night at a friends house and Bill and my brother in law were headed to Alabama. 

Quite a few people, upon finding out that I will have twenty four uninterrupted hours to myself were all, ‘Must be nice.’  You’re right, it is nice.  You know what else? I worked really fucking hard to get a day to myself.  Parenting is hard. Hell, life can be hard. We all know that.  You know what else? We’re all doing it the right way too.  Despite whatever mommy blog you’ve been reading since your pregnancy test told you shit just got real. 

When your kids are young, you probably envision the day where you can take a shit without someone banging on the door or hearing “MAAAAAAAAAHM?” twenty times.  I’m hear to tell you right now, that when those precious tots of yours turn into teenagers, they still do that.  Case in point- last week I was in the hallway bathroom, playing Tetris, dropping a deuce.  On the other side of the door I could hear my son saying, “MAAAAAAHM?”  my husband calling upstairs, “J? J? JAAAAAAAAY?” and my Mom also texted me saying, “Hey! Whatcha doing?”


Of course, I didn’t answer anyone, so I could hear the panic rising in their voices.

My husband says to my son, “You haven’t seen your Mom anywhere?” 

My son says to my husband, “No! Last time I saw her she was upstairs folding laundry.  Is she in the garage?”

I hear my husband yelling down the steps, “J? J? JAAAAAAAAAY?”

This goes on for a good ten minutes.  Really, I’m done using the bathroom, now I’m just sitting there playing Tetris and seeing how long this will last.  Eventually I open the door and scream, “WHAT?!” These two are all, ‘Oh my gosh, where were you?” See, you are loved!


Each year that your child grows older, life gets a smidge easier.  They sleep a little later, they begin to entertain themselves, they become fascinated by cartoons and then that glorious moment you waited for since birth:  THEY LEARN TO MAKE THEIR OWN BOWL OF CEREAL. I don’t know about you guys, but I was pumped when this happened.  I used to buy little cartons of milk so that MD could easily pour his own cereal.  Man, I’m a total genius.  Also, please don’t talk to me about the “mess” that could be made. I never stressed out over spilled cereal.  If you have a dog, this probably is an added bonus, as the mess gets gobbled up before you see it.

So, life for me as a Mom right now is in this cross hair. 

My son is close to turning thirteen.  He stays up all night on the weekends, sleeps till noon, eats ridiculous amounts of food, rides his skateboard over to his friends house, does his homework, brings out his laundry, helps with chores, I can leave him home alone without worry….  yet, I still miss those mornings when he was little.  The mornings where his big hazel eyes were even with the mattress and he’d poke my cheek with his finger saying, “Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.”  Some mornings I’d pretend I didn’t hear him and I’d jump up and roar like a dinosaur.  Some mornings I’d wake up before him and then sneak into his room and poke his cheek with my finger saying, “MD.MD.MD.MD.” 

Do you know how I get my son up in the mornings now? I threaten him with a cow bell.  Yes.  He gets one nice, “Time to wake up!” the second time I come in his room it’s, “GET.UP. NOW OR THE NEXT TIME I COME IN HERE, I’LL HAVE THE COW BELL.”  Works like a charm.  Take note!

Don’t worry my loves, one day you’ll be right where I am too.  

Your kids will be older. They will have sleep over with buddies. You’ll find yourself mindlessly watching reruns of iCarly or whatever show your kid is into the first time they stay over someone else’s house. The next time, you’ll be a better prepared. Just don’t start watching reruns of kid shows while folding socks. You must break this cycle! Do not use this time to do chores! Do not use this time to scrub the soap scum from your shower doors! Do not do dumb stuff that can be done any other time! 

USE THIS DAY OFF FOR YOURSELF! Go out with your spouse, have one more drink, stay up late, sleep in, have brunch, get shopping done, walk around the bookstore and read magazines, take a hot shower with your spouse,  go to the coffee shop and write about what it’s like to be a parent…

Wait… what?






4 thoughts on “Say Hello To Heaven

  1. Ever notice how everyone suddenly needs you the minute you start talking on the phone, too? I don’t have kids, but I have dogs and coworkers and friends with kids and well… the phone thing is a common denominator in all of those.

    I have trouble getting my mind across your son almost turning 13. Since I have been reading you since 2004, it seems very surreal. I need to meet you guys before he turns 21. Sheesh.

  2. so true, all of it. Beware when he starts driving. That’s a whole new mess of worry, at least at first. Or when he’s really dating. Maybe gets a job. And you still have to threaten to get him out of bed for school, and he’s already got the alarm clock with the vibration thing that goes between the mattress and box spring, to try to shake him awake, and really all that works is the yelling and the threats of COLD water. Ahhhh, to be a parent. But then he goes and does something really cool. It’s all worth it. Even having two.

    And the time alone? Fucking priceless! There’s other things you can do when no one is home, things you can’t do when they are. But I don’t want to take over your blog.

    You’re right, you’re doing it right! Good mom!

  3. Yep, the minute ANY person goes to the loo ANYWHERE people start wondering where they are. I have started making announcements that I’m going to the toilet now. Sometimes when Olivia and I are at my mum’s house, my mum still stands outside the toilet and talks to Olivia about where I might be when she KNOWS that I’ve gone to the loo. Drives me nuts.

  4. Yeah I get the “Are you ok honey?” whenever im taking a dump, “you’ve been in there awhile”, yeah because I’m on facebook, twitter, or instagram, and really constipated based on what we just ate….multitasking takes time as well! It’s not like I’m just trying to kill time…I’m really droppin bombs in here!

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