Medicine

Currently trying to study for another medical term test, but my brain was like, “Hey, remember that blog you used to have?” Yes. “Do you think you’d like to write on it, seeing as you gave up Facebook for the weekend to study?” Yep.

So here I am.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve felt like writing- at all. Sure, I have little random sentences that I scratch down on receipts or punch out on Twitter. Just nothing of solid content that I felt like writing about. This blog post probably won’t be that exciting either. I am also burnt out on studying about the conduction pathways of our heart, the different sections of the lungs and trying to remember how to spell TRIIODTHYRONINE.

Being back in school is weird for me. I started off slow, just taking two classes, because it’s been twenty years since I’ve been in a classroom setting. Let me tell you, SHIT IS DIFFERENT NOW. Everything is online. Teaching is online. Online. Online. Online. Discussion board, ONLINE. Registration, ONLINE. Email. Email. Email.

Robots, all of us.

Just kidding. That’s my age talking (not kidding).

More than likely, I’ll be changing my major, because I just don’t give a shit about muscles and how your diet is effecting them. I don’t want to take a test where the professor lays bones on the table and says, “What are those?” Damn Daniel, what are they? (God I hope you guys get that pop culture reference). I started off as a PTA, then went back to my original idea to become a registered dietitian, but honestly… I just want to be a goofy art or history teacher.

That’s where I belong.

So, here I am, putting off more studying (which I’ve been doing so much of). At least three times a week I have a panic attack because I can’t pass this one math test and I still have another chapter to finish before the end of the semester and people, TIME MOVES SO FAST. Only it doesn’t move fast when I’m work. But we all knew that already.

Aside from school, it’s been everyday life per usual.

Well, there was the time a few weeks ago raw sewage spewed back into the downstairs bathroom and we had to use tupperware and tiny trashcans to … well, scoop it out. The house smelled like a wet fart for days. We still haven’t managed to put the new toilet in (we have it, just haven’t had time to install it). Then, the oven went out. Did I mention we’re hosting Thanksgiving this year with my brother in law and his wife? No? Mmmhmm.

We are going to see Helmet next Friday and I’m super pumped about that (twice in nearly a year and half)! Their new album came out and they’re doing a tour- a part of me secretly hopes they play some old tunes again as well.  The day before Thanksgiving we’re going to The Stuffing in downtown to see some of our fave indie bands and I AM SO STOKED. Nothing makes me happier than to go to shows with my son and my husband. Not that I want to rush my son growing up anymore than he already he is, but at least when he’s 18 we’ll be able to get him into more shows. Over the summer we paid $13 bucks to see our favorite band Tiny Moving Parts, with a handful of other bands, and it was the most phenomenal night of my life! Not only did the set list kick ass, but we got to meet the guys after the show. I was honestly surprised how many people just jumped ship and left. The guys were nice enough to take pictures with us all, sign everything and anything for the kids and just talk music in general.  I also noticed the drummer from another awesome band was working the merch table, so of course I had to get that Mom photo op in! He couldn’t believe MD was my son. No one ever does and those thirty seconds after they realize he’s my kid is awkward. For both of us.

MD is now the age where servers bring him his own check, ask me if the bill is together or separate and most recently, Mrs. Claus and the elves at the mall thought we were boyfriend/girlfriend. I’m not sure if people are stroking my ego or if they honestly are in disbelief he is my son. I have half a head of gray hair people and I wear sensible flats with comfortable jeans. COME ON. I will say that yesterday’s episode with the elf and the Mrs. Claus was the most uncomfortable I’ve been about the whole, “YOU’RE HIS MOM?” scenario. I was giving MD a hard time about not taking a picture with me and was pretend crying. The elf wouldn’t drop it though. She was just going on and on and finally I wanted to say, “Look elf, we need to go look at some sneakers in Macy’s, so peace!”

The time changed this morning, so now I’m watching it get dark and it’s not quite six p.m. I’m listening to The Sundays (ha! On a Sunday) and trying to relax. My entire universe feels so out of whack lately. Tonight before bed, I’ll do some T’ai Chi and hopefully sink into a restful slumber.

In between homework and other grown ass lady responsibilities, I’m still knitting. I finished a magical shawl that took me an eternity, but I got it done. I finished another shawl and I’m wrapping up a UT Vols type deal for my husband. I have a baby blanket in the works and I’ve also been doing more doodling.

Two weekends ago I went up to Nashville and took my son and his friends to get hot chicken on the East side of town. As I was approaching the bench outside, I noticed a guy sitting behind us that looked so much like Chandler, that my heart got stuck in my throat. It was his younger self. Same eyes, devilishly good looks and that smile. I kept looking back at him to make sure, to triple check, quadruple check. It was tough. On the way home, MD even mentioned how crazy it was that the guy looked like him. Perhaps a head nod from the Universe and from Fritz himself.

Well…

I suppose that’s all I’ve got for right now.

Maybe later on tonight I’ll look for a 30 day writing prompt and go from there. I do miss writing on the ole blog. Facebook can get kind of boring with all that political hate/shit throwing going on right now.

Quick, how do you spell a thyroid stimulating hormone drug?

 

When You Set Words On Fire:

Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen? black pen, but I always tend to have blue on hand. Even though I don’t like it.
Would you prefer to live in the country or the city? I’ve lived in both. I love both. Now I am in between the two (otherwise known at the suburbs). I love the city because everything is there: food. art. congestion. conversations. excellent coffee. The country has all of this and more, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes it’s just a drag to get in a car and drive there vs riding your bike or walking.
If you could learn a new skill, what would it be? I would like to learn how to crochet. Paint my nails properly. Sculpt. Make something out of sheet metal. Play guitar.
Do you drink your tea or coffee with sugar? Of course. Two sugars for tea, one sugar for coffee (with cream).
What was your favourite book as a child? Cold Sassy Tree by Olive Ann Burns. Hands down. Fave book ever.
Do you prefer baths or showers? Always a shower *unless I’ve pulled my back, then a bath.*  If I take a bath without a shower first, I feel gross. I mean, you’re just sitting there. IN YOUR OWN FILTH. GAH.
If you could be a mythical creature, which would you choose? Dude, a dragon. Flying and fire? That’s a win/win right there y’all.
Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books? I’ve only read one book on my iPad and I hated it (not the book). I couldn’t focus. Couldn’t get comfortable. Didn’t enjoy it. Paper/hard back for life.
What is your favourite item of clothing? This gray pleather/leather skirt I have. Wear it year round. Dress it up, wear it with tshirts, boots, heels, flip flops. I take very good care of it, because I know I’ll never find another like it.
Do you like your name? Would you ever change it? I like it now. I was always jealous of people who could get coffee mugs or those bike plates with their names on it (this was pre internet days). Now i just spell it out and move on.
Would you ever want to be famous? If so, what for? I used to dream of being a famous poet. Now, not so much. I think we’ve all been exposed to enough reality tv to see what famous does to you.
Are you a restless sleeper? Nope. Not at all. I can fall asleep anywhere, at anytime. I sleep like it’s a sport and I’m the champion.
Do you consider yourself a romantic? Eh. Yes and no.
Which element best represents you? Water. Constantly fitting into the situation, at ease with new people, new situations. I just go with the flow.
Do you miss someone at the moment? I miss my friends back home in Tennessee. I miss those who aren’t here anymore. I miss those who have missed me.
Tell us about an early childhood memory. Riding my pink 10 speed bike down our dead end street and not paying attention to the grate. My wheel was just thin enough for it to get stuck and flip me over the handlebars. I don’t remember riding a bike much after that.
What is the strangest thing you have eaten? Horse meat. Baby octopus. Cod sperm.
What can you see outside your bedroom window? The neighbors house. And the house next to that. And the house next to that. Wet leaves. Empty trashcans and a flickering street light.
What are you most thankful for? All of it. Even down to the coffee I bought on sale.
Do you like spicy food? I like a slow heat. Not a melt your face off type of heat.
Have you ever met someone famous? Plenty of times. I always get that butterfly, rosy cheek type of giddy feeling. Then it passes. Then I walk away.
Do you keep a diary or journal? I used to, but not so much anymore. Maybe I just ran out of things to say. Maybe social media stole that from me. Or rather, I allowed it to.
What is your star sign? Pisces. That should explain everything.
Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? Who the hell likes soggy cereal? God. No.
Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read? I used to read often. Yknow, there are lots of things I “used” to do according to this survey. Shit. Anyway, currently reading: Bukowski, On Writing and 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami.

Do you like ice in your drinks? Crushed ice if it’s from the gas station, a few cubes if I’m at home and if scotch/bourbon/whiskey is involved, just give it to me neat.
What are you afraid of? The dark. Flying bugs. Haunted houses. BALLOONS.
What is your favourite scent? Woodsy/sweet smells mixed together.
Do you address older people by their first or last name? Last name. Mr. So and So, Mrs. So and So. You get the idea. Be polite.
If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? In a small loft apartment, overlooking Frenchman Street right outside the Quarter in New Orleans. I’d write. Read books. Sip coffee. Take long strolls and smoke cigars.
Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean? The ocean until I become aware of where I am and what could come up and take my leg off.
What would you do if you found $50 on the ground? I’d be super excited, then look around to see if anyone else is looking around for $50. If not, I’d put it in my purse, drive to the yarn store and buy a skein of the good stuff.
What is one thing you would want to teach your children? To be kind to everyone. Even if they are dicks to you. Even if you cannot stand the sight of them. Even if they’ve hurt you in a way you’re not sure you’ll recover from. Be kind. It comes back to you.
If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? I have several tattoo’s and, for the past five years, I’ve been waiting to get my pirate ship tattoo on my arm. I think I’m good to get it, seeing that I’m not pregnant, all the weddings are finished up and my birthday is in a few months.
What can you hear right now? The television, the radio and my son playing drums.
Where do you feel the safest? In bed, next to my husband, when we make one another laugh.
What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer? My fear of public speaking, my lack of direction, my scatter brain.
If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose? Jazz Age. End of story.
What is your most used emoji? The piece of shit one.
What is your favourite season? Why? I like fall right as it begins and spring right as it ends. Why? Because why not?
How would you spend your ideal day? Hot coffee. Jazz records. Knitting while snuggled up with the one blanket everyone fights over. A nap. A big pot of beef bourguignon simmering on the stove.
Describe yourself using one word. Weird.
What do you regret the most? That I didn’t pet Shamu when I was at Sea World when I was seven.

Thank You For Shopping With Us.

Do you know what bothers me slightly about writing on a blog?

I forget about it.

Ten years ago, I’d be blogging about everything within the hour of whatever it was that had occurred.

I’ve been trying to forget the past couple of months for awhile. Well, alright, not forget the entire months, but days.

It’s been a really long, rough year and as I look at the calendar, I think to myself, “it’s almost over.”  Since January, death has kept his cloak over my heart. Taking one, taking another, sneaking in during morning naps, watching as I weep. Every.single.month someone goes. Such an asshole, death. There have been moments of greatness though, don’t get me wrong about that. True, shining moments that made me forget about all the heartache. Forget about all those giant 100 foot waves that I can never seem to ride over.

Bike rides with friends from out West. Best friends getting engaged. Best friends graduating from college. Trips all over the entire Southeast. Drives to Detroit to see my family. Trips back to New York City to stay up for nearly 72 hours. Group texting with friends that I’ve known my entire life. Finishing knitting projects. Finishing house projects. Starting the 4 year plan. Getting the house ready for that moment when we’re ready to sell it and planning the next phase. Oh yes. The snowball has been made.

But most importantly…

MY SON STARTED HIGH SCHOOL.

Somewhere, on a now defunct blog, there is a post from his first day of Kindergarten. Somewhere, I know I talked about how I’d cry and beg him not to go to high school.

The only crying I’ve done is over waking up at 5:30 in the morning to make sure he gets to school by 6:30 for weight training sessions with his cross country team. That’s right. The boy who hated any type of sports activity found his niche in running long distances in a short amount of time. This mom right here is super proud (as is the entire family and then some).

What else?

I cut all my hair off.

Gained 10 lbs.

Lost 10 lbs.

Gained back 5.

Bought a dress that looks like R2D2.

Our dog tore up the couch. Which is now sitting in the garage and reminds me of a frat house I lived at in college.

A spider just crawled down my back. YES. THAT JUST HAPPENED.

I quit my corporate job, worked retail, went back to another corporate job.

My son is probably 6’0″ tall.

I’m going to be in a wedding in October.

I have written nothing, read a little and drawn a bit.

Everyday, I think of Chandler.

Everyday, I think of my Father in Law.

Everyday-

tends to bleed into the next, but it’s always different somehow.

Like yesterday, when I got out of my car at the gas station and a construction worker thrusted his crotch in my direction while air squeezing my tits. Mumbling on about what he’d do to me and whistling. There’s cat calling and then there’s… that. When I got back into my car I felt like crying.

We bought a new desk and finished the office (formerly known as the “chair room” because every sitting chair we owned was in the front office). I’m hoping that the fact that there is an actual desk, that looks out the front window and has a vase of flowers on it will encourage me to write. I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket though.

This entire post is kind of making me sad.

The eye doctor today said I had the nicest eyelashes he’s ever seen and that I probably won’t have glaucoma when I’m older. He did a test where they scanned my eye for high sugar/pre diabetes. My sugar level is medium. Did you know sugar accumulates on your eye? Neither did I. But for $30 you can have your eye doc test your eyes.

The Cure is on the radio and it reminds me of friendships that didn’t quite make it.

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged- my brain is only working in fragments. The past year I’ve found that I’ve retreated into myself and within my circle of family. I won’t sugar coat anything when I say that I’ve shut people out, but that’s just where I’ve been.

If you’re out there, give me a gentle reminder to write something.

Anything.

Seven Days

Bee,

In one week, you will have successfully completed junior high.

Weird, right?

When we pulled in the driveway this afternoon, you got out, as you always do, and checked the mail. We got the invitation to Honors Night and Graduation the following night. I choked back some tears, but I think you saw my lip quiver, but didn’t say anything.

I didn’t have an 8th grade graduation, but I do remember that last week of school with my friends. Some of whom I haven’t seen since I was fourteen and some who I just saw last weekend. That happens though and luckily, you’ve been a part of those friendships (hearing the stories, good and bad) and hanging out with us on occasion.

About an hour ago, I was upstairs folding the laundry. I started folding your boxers and thought, ‘My God. He’s going into high school.” Just like every other post I’ve written about you, I’ve had the same thought:

“He’s starting Kindergarten.”

“He lost a tooth.”

“He’s riding a bike.”

“We’re moving.”

“He’s almost as tall as me. He’s taller than Nana. He’s taller than me. HE’S TALLER THAN EVERYONE.”

“He’s going into high school…”

I know I wrote you a sweet and sentimental note for you to read during meditation time while you were on your retreat a few weeks back with your class. It took me hours to write that letter. There was so much I wanted to tell you, but the words wouldn’t come to me. I know you read it though, even if we didn’t talk about it much.

At the start of your 6th grade year, you were apprehensive. The school work was harder than what you were used to. You hated the uniforms. You hated wearing a tie on Wednesday for mass. You rebelled against the rules by not shaving. Detention, detention, detention. Just think, in one week, you’ll be able to grow out that beard. God help me.

These past three years, academically, have been extremely challenging for us all, but you know what? YOU FREAKING DID IT. You worked your ass off every single night and it showed, didn’t it? You gave up playing drums, watching tv some nights and when we’d drive up to see Nana and Papa, we left early on Sunday mornings so you could finish math or write a paper and have it done by supper.

Dedication, I tell ya. Dedication.

The night after your graduation, you’re headed to Tennessee for the summer. I always get mopey the first week you’re gone. Do you know why? We are always together. It’s been that way for a long, long time. Actually, since day 1 of your life. I’ve taken you to museums, rock concerts, random walks around downtown, record shops, weird restaurants in questionable neighborhoods, and yes, even Hooters. I made it my goal to expose you to as much of our little neck of the woods as possible. I know you roll your eyes at me now, but you will go to Europe in high school. I don’t care if I have to sell pencils on a street corner to make it happen. You must see the other half of the world and lose your breath as you drink it in.

With that being said, I wanted to tell you so much more than what was in my multi colored letter.  These are things that have popped into my head the past week. Some of it will make sense, some of it won’t.

1. Just like I told your cousin Joe: “No matter what, DO NOT EAT FRUIT THAT IS FLOATING IN A 50 GALLON DRUM.” While I’m hoping this might just be a college thing, I just want to cover my ass on this one. You’re going to be pressured into doing a lot of dumb shit the next four years. Take it from me, just don’t drink. Not till your older. Not until you turn 21 and we can sit down, pour a whiskey and say, “We made it.” Yes, I just made that reference.

2. I didn’t make you watch several seasons of Teen Mom for nothing. Keep that in mind. EVERY TIME.

3. Turn your phone off when you’re driving. I’m straight up serious about this. If I ever find out you were texting and driving, I will paint your ass red. I will ground you from driving until you go to college. You will be that one guy who has a license, but doesn’t know how to start a car. Don’t push me on this boy.

4. People in school can be cruel. Before you speak an ill word, think. Why would you say something ill towards another person? What have they done to you? Nothing. And then, go to that person, make amends. Talk it out. Listen to their view and come to an agreement. Hug it out if you have to. Hugs are awesome.

5. You show compassion to everyone now, please don’t lose sight of that. It’s a lovely trait to have. Surround yourself with people of different cultures, different view points, different everything. This is one of the best parts about life- the variety.

6. Be involved. Join clubs. Maybe a sport? I was the president of the poetry club and photo editor of the yearbook. That was about the extent of it. I wish I had done more. DO MORE THINGS. STEP OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE.

7. DO NOT SMOKE FAKE WEED. We’ve talked about this and hand to heart, this shit freaks me out so bad I can’t sleep at night.

8. Always open the door for a female. Or your elders. Or ANYONE WHO IS WALKING TOWARDS A DOOR AT THE SAME TIME AS YOU, open it first. Be polite. Pay it forward.

9. Share: your time, your talent, your love for music.

10. Continue to read. The classics you have covered and you have always loved popular fiction. Keep it up. Words will pepper your vocabulary and take you to places and give you ideas that could possibly change your life.

11. Always check in with me. NO MATTER WHAT. If you don’t check in with me, I’ll start to panic. Panic leads to me driving around town searching for you, which leads to me thinking “What if he’s hurt? What if he’s in a ditch?” and if you don’t check in and I find you, I will more than likely spank you and or scream and then cry for two days. Ask Papa. He’ll tell you the story.

12. Learn how to cook. I’ve been trying to teach you, but right now you have zero interest. Bill cooked me the most delicious meal on our second date. I fell in love with him that night. Food can be a magical thing. You put so much love and thought into preparing a meal. To share it with someone you care about is really awesome.

13.Conversations over a meal are even better, so, PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY.  This has always been the rule at our house and i hope it stays with you. What type of message are you sending (damn, no pun intended) to the person across the table if you’re face deep in SnapChat or Reddit? What type of girl are you dating if she can’t put her phone away for thirty minutes to enjoy a meal with you? Think about that. Some moments in life do not need to be captured by camera phone and shared with the world.

14. Keep a journal. Even if you write one sentence a day.

15. Call your grandparents. Your great grandparents.

16. Don’t take any wooden nickels from anyone.

17. There are no elevator passes for Freshman.

18. If a girl asks you to prom, accept. I will take photos. You will be embarrassed.

19. It’s okay to cry.

19a. It’s okay to cry in public too.

20. Remember, I love you, no matter what.  NO.MATTER.WHAT.  If I have to write that down and put it in your wallet, I will. Because there will come a time in your life where you will find yourself in some crazy, jacked up situation and you’ll start to panic and won’t know what to do. Guess what you do? CALL YOUR MOM. Yep.

Bee,

This is the start of a new part of life. You are on the final stretch of your (younger) academic years. In four years, you realize I’ll be really crying while I write a letter like this because you’ll be headed off to college. Not just Nana’s for the summer, but college. Or maybe to Europe. Or maybe on tour with your band.

Keep in mind that the world is a vast, beautiful, confusing, exciting place. There are more adjectives, but I didn’t want to get ahead of myself. The possibilities are endless (cliche, but true). Whatever you want to do, it’s all there- somewhere. Maybe on the beach on the West coast, maybe on the back of a scooter in Vietnam, maybe hiking Mt. Fuji like we’ve talked about since you were three. Wherever, whatever! I’m thrilled to watch it all bloom in front of you.

I’m proud of you. So very proud.

I love you Bee, more than bread, more than anything.

Always,

Mom